A friend/client granted me with what I considered a huge compliment this weekend by saying how much of an independent woman I was and that she couldn't do all that I do, and definitely not alone. And as proud as it made me feel, it also struck a cord for me. I thanked her kindly but reassured her I had plenty of help from my mother, because she does everything she can to help me, and I also informed her I'm not a solid, independent rock that I may come off to be. Yes, I pull myself together, but most days I'm a complete wreck. A body full of stress and tears.
I don't want to be doing this alone, and by no means would I actually enter a relationship with intent on the financial help, but not having enough time or enough money is my biggest struggle right now and I miss the extra help. I can do it alone and I am proving a lot to myself, but it's shitty and hard and I don't like it. I don't like what the stress does to my mental and emotional health. On a daily basis this is just an average list of the things I have to get done or atleast touch base on.
- my fulltime job (9-5)
- my business
- my house (housework)
- my studio reno
- my animals (all 27 of them)
- my everyday chores, errands, etc
- & the random other things on my plate like a photo class or helping a friend or whatever it may be.
- oh and the social life I still try to have.
There just isn't enough time to go around for everything I have going on. Each one of those categories listed I can break down into about 10 subcategories as well. It's a lot to have on my mind all the time. And yes please don't shy from giving my compliments on how well I do, but it all comes with a price. I feel like I'm drowning in my own life, because I fight so hard to have what I want that it really don't get to enjoy it, I'm living on the hopes that in the next couple years all this stress and work will pay off, but it's a gamble.
I think I should be able to sleep now.
Goodnight world <3