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Thursday, 26 June 2014

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

So at least 7 or 8 months have passed since I used this blog. Probably because I forget it exists or I barely have time to wipe my ass some days. I've been thinking about jumping back on the blog wagon a lot lately, but in all honesty it actually overwhelms me to think of adding it to my list if a million things to remember to do. Which I'm sad about, because I loved blogging and that fact that just thinking about it stresses me out, depresses me. I'm trying to hard to be happy these days and it wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have medication fighting with my happy feelings inside my brain. But that's a long story and only tempory, so someday I will be back to normal. Until then I have to try a bit more to keep the bad feelings at bay, which doesn't always work. 
Having trouble staying positive and happy is only a portion of my troubles lately. Not that I'm using this blog to complain, but more as to release and maybe come to a conclusion while writing. I've been feeling a lot like a trapped animal lately. I feel cornered which makes me frustrated and lash out, I'm confused about what move to make next and exhausted from trying to make the decision. Going from one possible solution to another, but none seem to be secure enough to take the risk. I feel like if I take the leap and try to escape what's trapping me. I'm only going to walk about injured with no way to fix it, and no way back even to the saftey of that small corner. 
That small corner is my life, I'm trapped by money, bills and time, and I want to escape to my personal business, but the risk is too great being alone with so many responsibilities to look after alone. What if I can't make enough income to cover all my expenses? What if my business doesn't go as well as I hoped or there's just not enough market for it? I won't have the security of my 9-5 job to go back to and if I stay and try to do both I will either go insane or run myself bone dry trying to get everything done. 
I'm doing both right now, but I'm not doing my business to it's full potential which is what I want to do, but can't because I work a fulltime job and don't feel I can afford the risk of leaving it. Plus I don't have everything I need to continue building up my company and that all takes money. Which I can't make into I have some of those assets, so I need to work my 9-5 in order to make the money to live and save for the things I need for my personal company. 
I'm stuck between continuing doing both which is causing me to have weekly mental breakdowns or finding the right solution with the right about of security to take the leap and plunge into my business. 
Everyday I'm finding myself more and more jealous of women with husbands that bring home money to pay the mortgage and bills and feed their families,  while they can start their business without such a risk of losing everything because they have a second income. And here I am juggling everything at the age of 22, trying my hardest to get my company up and running and keep myself out of the psych ward. I have a great suport team behind me, but I don't have that extra income. I mean I do because I'm working that fulltime job but it means my business also suffers and I have no extra time. I work 9-5 and come home maybe get something to eat and then 6-11 I do my business. I barely have time to take care of the 27 animals on the property or the house that I own. Laundry and dishes and cat hair consume my house most of the week and forget about a social life, I cut that out a month ago. Thank God, Jo looks after animals and some of the house work. 
I find it very hard to have all these issues on my brain 24/7 and then add having the time to prepare healthy food to eat of fit exercise just doesn't happen right now. Not because I don't want to or I'm making excuses but because if I try to fit anything else into my life I will crack and after much more, surely I will break. 

Trying to keep a positive attitude and a happy demeanor while feeling like a trapped, confused and frustrated animal is very hard. I'm sure there are many of you that have felt this way in your life, maybe for other reasons for not being able to make a decision about something because you are trapped my money or time or the risks are too high. It sucks and I can relate to you. I know everything will work out fine in the end, but the mental and emotional anguish of getting to that point can be so overwhelming at times and it can make you feel very alone. 

Well you aren't alone, I'm here in that hard place. 

Stay strong and keep pushing forward!