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Thursday, 20 October 2016

Something's Got To Give

I am not good at blogging on a regular basis, but I wish I was. I wish I could get away from facebook more and focus on posting my life here, or on a new blog that I may or may not start. I get so frustrated with social media, but I want to stay on facebook because it's kind of like a community but I just end up wasting valuable time watching videos about people bitching about elections or kardashians or clowns. I do like that I get a view on world issues, but I also wish I just lived in my own little bubble and focused on my own issues instead. Maybe thats a very naive way to want to live life, but I believe that it is all just a big joke of politics, a big show, and how am I supposed to take the world seriously but Donald Trump is running for president. Sometimes I look at the media and think that this is almost straight out of V for Vendetta, that we aren't far off from that life. 
I want my life to be more about what makes me happy, what I fill it with and things I'm passionate about, and a lot less media, stereotypes and hatred. 

For the past year, I've been struggling with mental health, maybe I'm just trying to find myself again, because I don't want labels, but I want to understand why I am the way I am and why I act and react the way I do. And how to control/correct what I can so I can be happy. 

Also for the past 7 months I have been in a relationship with a man that I can only hope to spend the rest of my life with. I don't think there are enough words and emotion out there that an express how I feel about him. This is coming from a girl that never wanted to get married and believe she would only ever be in a large number of short lasting relationships and who doesn't believe in soul mates. And I still don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe there are a certain amount of people out there that are almost perfect for each of us. Love is complex and relationships are even more so, especially in this day and age where we live off novelty. He has changed me and I hope he continues to do so and I him. I think he is my lobster, my puzzle piece and my best friend. 
Thank God, he is understanding and has his own experiences to slightly help understand me when I am being crazy. I am not easy to live with and I have a long road ahead to being who I want to be. I've been her before, Ive been a version of myself that I was proud of, happy with and didn't give one flying fuck what others thought. I need her back and sometimes I feel like its impossible to find her inside me, under all the sadness, lack of passion and motivation, under all the hate and guilt and fear. But in the past two days I have seen a hint of her. She's helping me write this today. She's productive and in the present, not worrying about the future or past and is just taking care of business in the now. She isn't dwelling, she's helping friends and she's focused on her goals. She gives me hope that she could be around full time again. She doesn't usually stay around long lately, but I just need to hold onto her a little tighter is all. 

I wish mental health wasn't such a stigma, I wish it was spoke of more often and feared less. Because I believe every human on this planet suffers some sort of mental health issue. Which makes me believe that is what makes us each different, but it also is what makes none of us perfect. We all have fears, flaws and imperfections. We are all equal in our individualities. We all deserve to love ourselves and be loved by others. 

Let me take a moment to be mindful of the present moment I am in now. It helps ground me when I am worried and uncertain, when I'm afraid and stuck in my head. It helps me remember that life isn't about all the mistakes I've made and all the stresses of the future. It makes me remember that I am alive, my heart is beating and I am feeling emotion at this moment. Maybe it can help someone else. 

I'm going to deep breathe while I focus on the present, I'm going to name: 

5 things I can hear right now:
          1. the chirping on the chicks out in the studio, and the louder chirps of the ones in the incubator ten feet away. They are adorable and fuzzy and they are alive.
          2. The steady breathing of Pan as he lays at my feet. He is adorable and calm and alive.
          3. I hear the water running in the fish tank, it's trickle is calming, but reminds me that it could use some more water haha. 
          4. I hear the hum of the incubator keeping the chicks humid and warm while the others try to break loose of their shells. 
          5. I hear the chatter of my keys clicking as I type. They aren't alive, but I am, and I'm kind of adorable to some people. 

5 things I can see right now: 
          1. I can see all my plants in my house, some need water, but most are vibrant and happy. They are lush and green and they bring me so much joy. 
          2. I can see the deer head mounted to my wall about the table and it reminds me that all next week I will be staying at camp for my first hunt. 
          3. I see the sun shining in.
          4. I see I haven't finished my brownie because I've been too busy writing (I'm in shock) 
          5. I see a cut out from a previous job in a daycare and I miss having so many children in my life. 

5 things I can feel right now: 
          1. I feel worried for a friend.
          2. I feel happy that I'm writing this.
          3. I feel calm from deep breathing. 
          4. I feel a bit chilly and I may need to start a fire today. 
          5. I feel as if I should get up and be productive before Joanie and Denver get home. 

Stay happy and positive, and when you can't then seek help, speak up and above all else don't give up. You can't have a full day without the darkness of night. 

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Let's Just Say Things Have Changed

Much has changed since my last post, but one thing that hasn't changed is my attention span. Clearly I had all good intentions of using my blog as a diary again, but good ol' me got distracted by life and the one post was the only post.
I am seriously going to try to do this whole thing again and a little more faithfully. I have more time as an unemployed person, but less time because I have 2 pigs, 52 chicks/chickens, 6 cats, a dog and a boyfriend to take care of.

Life once again has me stumped. I'm so happy lately, but I'm lost. I quit my job, because I'm tired of wasting my time and energy for someone else's benefit and minimum wage. Thank fuck for my fantastic boyfriend willing to put up with my decision and support it. I will admit that I had much more motivation to get out and do odd jobs at first, than I do now. So #1 on my list of things to do, find odd jobs (cleaning, dulsing, gardening, etc). #2 is get back to art, I love making art and I want to dedicate a good chunk of my time an energy to being creative again. There are so many things that inspire me and so many mediums I want to work in that it overwhelms me and I don't know where to start so Wednesday I took the 8.50 and bought a new water-color book and started some sketches and I'll paint tomorrow.

I've never been good at sticking with one thing for too long, other than animals. Maybe it's commitment issues, maybe its ADHD, who knows really, but this is who I am and I need to work with it not against it. Ultimately my plan is to work for the life that I want, and that life includes hobby farming, art and possibly a little bohemian shop. Plus all of my personal things like my boyfriend - I'd like to keep him around, all my stuff at home, friends and family. Basically I'm just looking to make my life, MY life. I want to be happy with whatever I'm doing with most of my time and energy. I'm sure it will be hard and things will be tight and sometimes I'm going to have to do things that don't always make me happy, but for the majority I want to mix responsibility with chaos and hope for a good outcome.

I recently opened up a can of mental health worms and started therapy, which I'm thankful for. I don't always agree with the medical system and I'm not out for a diagnosis, although they have started me on different drugs, some I have noticed good outcomes, others I have stopped because I didn't like them. I am a firm believer that healthy living cures most mental health problems as much as it does physical health, but I do understand that some people can't always take that risk of hoping that it does, so if drugs are your help, take them, but personally I like to avoid them and try to change my lifestyle. Since last year I see such a decline in myself that its hard to deal with sometimes. I'm slowly fighting it all to get back to being that person I was. Last summer was a high light of my adult life. I hadn't felt that good about myself, ever. I felt free, I had no fear, I pushed myself, I had adventures and didn't take time for granted. All the little things matter, but above all I accepted myself. My flaws, insecurities, all the little rough spots, along with everything great about me.

Lets see if I make another post in the next week, if not I'll be back next year maybe haha